I really screwed up this time.
Really. I don’t think anyone’s ever been this stupid.
Last night, I worked a double shift at Deena’s, and everything went wrong. The milk was spoiled because of the power outage, but Deena had me cook with it anyway. She said the bad stuff would be boiled out. Anyways, all the customers sent their food back, and I had to dodge about 6 coffee mugs that came flying in my direction from some angry trucker who doesn’t like drinking bad milk. In my haste to get away from the rapidly forming mob, I slipped and took the plates, coffee maker, cups, and silverware down with me. The sounds of shattering glass and clanging metal were too much for me to handle. I left all the money I had in my wallet on the counter for Deena, and I ran out. That job was definitely over.
I’m such an idiot, I can’t even hold a job.
My life away from God has been so messed up. I dated a clown, I was flat broke, and I couldn’t even serve food that didn’t make some one’s stomach churn. I’m pathetic. It was time for me to turn back to God, and I knew it. The thing was, how could I possibly earn His forgiveness? I turned my back on God, the church, and all of the people that I vowed to help when I became a nun. How could anyone forgive that? I needed to get away from it all and just talk to God about everything and see if there was any chance in Hell that he would forgive me. See? Look at me, I’m still saying Hell. There’s no redemption for me.
I didn’t have anywhere to go but home, and I tried praying there for a while, but it didn’t feel right in that dingy apartment. I decided to take my pleas to the roof of Watershed Heights and be as close to God as possible. I walked to the stairs, and I started climbing. I don’t know how many stories i went or how many stairs I climbed, but I know that I was thinking about what I would say to God the whole way up. I would try to explain myself, try to justify what I had done. I would apologize, but I would try to get God to see reason. I needed Him to understand.
When I reached the top, I had planned everything. I knew exactly what I was going to say. I opened my mouth to speak, but no words came out. I just fell to my knees and groveled before God, asking Him to please forgive me and let me go back to Him. I collapsed in tears like a child who lost their teddy bear. I was returning to my God, and all i could do was cry like a child.
I am so stupid.
I don’t know how long i was up there before the storm came. All I know is that I took it as a sign. God was angry, and he was letting me know it. Lightning bounced off the buildings around me, and thunder shook the Earth so hard, I thought I was going to fall through it. I didn’t care. God was speaking to me. He may not have been happy, but He was acknowledging me. I was at least worth that.
But I’m still dumb as dirt.
I wanted God to know that I was listening, so I stepped up to the edge of the building, right out in the open. I tilted my head back and let the rain wash over me, as if it were cleansing my sins. I barely even felt the electricity spreading through my body. It just felt like a little tingle. If you had told me that a lightning bolt was rapidly destroying my body, I would have laughed. I had no clue.
What’s wrong with me?
I may not have felt the lightning, but I felt the fall. I’m feeling the fall. I don’t think I’ll ever land. I don’t think I want to.
I have that feeling in my gut that you get right before a roller coaster goes shooting down a hill, but this time it’s different. I’ve also got that feeling that this is it. I’m not coming back from this. It’s almost relieving. I’m trying to pray. I want to salvage what hope I have left for eternal life, but I don’t know if it’s going to work.
I’m still falling. It’s like my world has come to a stop even though I know that it’s rapidly coming to an end.
I always knew that I’d turn back to God, I just thought I’d have more time. I thought I would have years to make up for my betrayal. I thought I’d live. I’m 26. 26. I never got married, I never had a family. I guess I never would have as a nun anyway, but it’s hard not to think about that.
My life should be flashing before my eyes, but I’m only thinking about what’s never going to happen. And I’m okay with it. I should be afraid, but I’m relieved. I don’t know if I’m going to Heaven or if I’m even going anywhere, but I’m going. It’s too late to turn back now, the pavement is getting closer by the millisecond.
But right now, I’m falling. I’m a stupid idiot who climbed the apartment building in a lightning storm and didn’t think twice. I’m the brainless nun who turned her back on God and just hopes that He’ll forgive her. It’s funny, really, that one person can make such a mess of her life. I’m the dunce who can’t even worry about that, because she’s just enjoying the fall. Tomorrow, I’ll be the moron on the street, smashed into a million pieces. But for now, I’m falling.
And I like it that way.
Really. I don’t think anyone’s ever been this stupid.
Last night, I worked a double shift at Deena’s, and everything went wrong. The milk was spoiled because of the power outage, but Deena had me cook with it anyway. She said the bad stuff would be boiled out. Anyways, all the customers sent their food back, and I had to dodge about 6 coffee mugs that came flying in my direction from some angry trucker who doesn’t like drinking bad milk. In my haste to get away from the rapidly forming mob, I slipped and took the plates, coffee maker, cups, and silverware down with me. The sounds of shattering glass and clanging metal were too much for me to handle. I left all the money I had in my wallet on the counter for Deena, and I ran out. That job was definitely over.
I’m such an idiot, I can’t even hold a job.
My life away from God has been so messed up. I dated a clown, I was flat broke, and I couldn’t even serve food that didn’t make some one’s stomach churn. I’m pathetic. It was time for me to turn back to God, and I knew it. The thing was, how could I possibly earn His forgiveness? I turned my back on God, the church, and all of the people that I vowed to help when I became a nun. How could anyone forgive that? I needed to get away from it all and just talk to God about everything and see if there was any chance in Hell that he would forgive me. See? Look at me, I’m still saying Hell. There’s no redemption for me.
I didn’t have anywhere to go but home, and I tried praying there for a while, but it didn’t feel right in that dingy apartment. I decided to take my pleas to the roof of Watershed Heights and be as close to God as possible. I walked to the stairs, and I started climbing. I don’t know how many stories i went or how many stairs I climbed, but I know that I was thinking about what I would say to God the whole way up. I would try to explain myself, try to justify what I had done. I would apologize, but I would try to get God to see reason. I needed Him to understand.
When I reached the top, I had planned everything. I knew exactly what I was going to say. I opened my mouth to speak, but no words came out. I just fell to my knees and groveled before God, asking Him to please forgive me and let me go back to Him. I collapsed in tears like a child who lost their teddy bear. I was returning to my God, and all i could do was cry like a child.
I am so stupid.
I don’t know how long i was up there before the storm came. All I know is that I took it as a sign. God was angry, and he was letting me know it. Lightning bounced off the buildings around me, and thunder shook the Earth so hard, I thought I was going to fall through it. I didn’t care. God was speaking to me. He may not have been happy, but He was acknowledging me. I was at least worth that.
But I’m still dumb as dirt.
I wanted God to know that I was listening, so I stepped up to the edge of the building, right out in the open. I tilted my head back and let the rain wash over me, as if it were cleansing my sins. I barely even felt the electricity spreading through my body. It just felt like a little tingle. If you had told me that a lightning bolt was rapidly destroying my body, I would have laughed. I had no clue.
What’s wrong with me?
I may not have felt the lightning, but I felt the fall. I’m feeling the fall. I don’t think I’ll ever land. I don’t think I want to.
I have that feeling in my gut that you get right before a roller coaster goes shooting down a hill, but this time it’s different. I’ve also got that feeling that this is it. I’m not coming back from this. It’s almost relieving. I’m trying to pray. I want to salvage what hope I have left for eternal life, but I don’t know if it’s going to work.
I’m still falling. It’s like my world has come to a stop even though I know that it’s rapidly coming to an end.
I always knew that I’d turn back to God, I just thought I’d have more time. I thought I would have years to make up for my betrayal. I thought I’d live. I’m 26. 26. I never got married, I never had a family. I guess I never would have as a nun anyway, but it’s hard not to think about that.
My life should be flashing before my eyes, but I’m only thinking about what’s never going to happen. And I’m okay with it. I should be afraid, but I’m relieved. I don’t know if I’m going to Heaven or if I’m even going anywhere, but I’m going. It’s too late to turn back now, the pavement is getting closer by the millisecond.
But right now, I’m falling. I’m a stupid idiot who climbed the apartment building in a lightning storm and didn’t think twice. I’m the brainless nun who turned her back on God and just hopes that He’ll forgive her. It’s funny, really, that one person can make such a mess of her life. I’m the dunce who can’t even worry about that, because she’s just enjoying the fall. Tomorrow, I’ll be the moron on the street, smashed into a million pieces. But for now, I’m falling.
And I like it that way.