Tuesday, May 10, 2011

The stupid idiot and her very long fall

I really screwed up this time.

Really. I don’t think anyone’s ever been this stupid.

Last night, I worked a double shift at Deena’s, and everything went wrong. The milk was spoiled because of the power outage, but Deena had me cook with it anyway. She said the bad stuff would be boiled out. Anyways, all the customers sent their food back, and I had to dodge about 6 coffee mugs that came flying in my direction from some angry trucker who doesn’t like drinking bad milk. In my haste to get away from the rapidly forming mob, I slipped and took the plates, coffee maker, cups, and silverware down with me. The sounds of shattering glass and clanging metal were too much for me to handle. I left all the money I had in my wallet on the counter for Deena, and I ran out. That job was definitely over.

I’m such an idiot, I can’t even hold a job.

My life away from God has been so messed up. I dated a clown, I was flat broke, and I couldn’t even serve food that didn’t make some one’s stomach churn. I’m pathetic. It was time for me to turn back to God, and I knew it. The thing was, how could I possibly earn His forgiveness? I turned my back on God, the church, and all of the people that I vowed to help when I became a nun. How could anyone forgive that? I needed to get away from it all and just talk to God about everything and see if there was any chance in Hell that he would forgive me. See? Look at me, I’m still saying Hell. There’s no redemption for me.

I didn’t have anywhere to go but home, and I tried praying there for a while, but it didn’t feel right in that dingy apartment. I decided to take my pleas to the roof of Watershed Heights and be as close to God as possible. I walked to the stairs, and I started climbing. I don’t know how many stories i went or how many stairs I climbed, but I know that I was thinking about what I would say to God the whole way up. I would try to explain myself, try to justify what I had done. I would apologize, but I would try to get God to see reason. I needed Him to understand.

When I reached the top, I had planned everything. I knew exactly what I was going to say. I opened my mouth to speak, but no words came out. I just fell to my knees and groveled before God, asking Him to please forgive me and let me go back to Him. I collapsed in tears like a child who lost their teddy bear. I was returning to my God, and all i could do was cry like a child.

I am so stupid.

I don’t know how long i was up there before the storm came. All I know is that I took it as a sign. God was angry, and he was letting me know it. Lightning bounced off the buildings around me, and thunder shook the Earth so hard, I thought I was going to fall through it. I didn’t care. God was speaking to me. He may not have been happy, but He was acknowledging me. I was at least worth that.

But I’m still dumb as dirt.

I wanted God to know that I was listening, so I stepped up to the edge of the building, right out in the open. I tilted my head back and let the rain wash over me, as if it were cleansing my sins. I barely even felt the electricity spreading through my body. It just felt like a little tingle. If you had told me that a lightning bolt was rapidly destroying my body, I would have laughed. I had no clue.

What’s wrong with me?

I may not have felt the lightning,  but I felt the fall. I’m feeling the fall. I don’t think I’ll ever land. I don’t think I want to.

I have that feeling in my gut that you get right before a roller coaster goes shooting down a hill, but this time it’s different. I’ve also got that feeling that this is it. I’m not coming back from this. It’s almost relieving. I’m trying to pray. I want to salvage what hope I have left for eternal life, but I don’t know if it’s going to work.

I’m still falling. It’s like my world has come to a stop even though I know that it’s rapidly coming to an end.

I always knew that I’d turn back to God, I just thought I’d have more time. I thought I would have years to make up for my betrayal. I thought I’d live. I’m 26. 26. I never got married, I never had a family. I guess I never would have as a nun anyway, but it’s hard not to think about that.

My life should be flashing before my eyes, but I’m only thinking about what’s never going to happen. And I’m okay with it. I should be afraid, but I’m relieved. I don’t know if I’m going to Heaven or if I’m even going anywhere, but I’m going. It’s too late to turn back now, the pavement is getting closer by the millisecond.

But right now, I’m falling. I’m a stupid idiot who climbed the apartment building in a lightning storm and didn’t think twice. I’m the brainless nun who turned her back on God and just hopes that He’ll forgive her. It’s funny, really, that one person can make such a mess of her life. I’m the dunce who can’t even worry about that, because she’s just enjoying the fall. Tomorrow, I’ll be the moron on the street, smashed into a million pieces. But for now, I’m falling.

And I like it that way.

9 comments:

  1. "What the hell?!?!" screams Ms. Pigg, "Why is Ms. Monagan on the bottom face down on the pavement and not breathing?!? Somebody has got to take her the hospital or the funeral home because it for damn sure isn't my job." So Ms. Pigg walked away from the scene and headed to the fountain where a police officer is nearby. This is perfect, because now Ms. Pigg can tell the cop that Ms. Monagan is either dead or putting on a damn good act.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Agnes was such a sweet person. I'd seen her once in the soup kitchen and a few times around town. It was noble of her to try to give her life over to God. She really was the best person I kind-of knew, even if her way to greatness was a bit misguided. She didn't need to try to live the life of someone she wasn't. All she needed to do was to be herself. It was clearly a struggle for her to give herself over to God. I wish someone had told this poor woman that she was amazing for simply being herself.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I went to kneel beside Agnes's body. And I cried. I cried for Agnes. I cried that no one told her they loved her. I cried that she was so ashamed of herself that she felt that death was her only way out. I cried that I had never taken the time to talk to her. Now it was too late, but if no one else would tell her how great she was, I would tell her.

    "Agnes, if your soul can hear me or whatever, here goes." I began. "You were a great woman and you didn't need to change for anyone. Not even God. You were so pure of heart and what you were doing was very noble. I just wish someone had told you that you were perfect. And you had a reason to keep on living. But now that you're gone, I just want you to know you'll be missed."

    ReplyDelete
  4. I was sorry I had yelled at the woman who was on the date with that clown. At least she had found love, which was something I would never find... Someone couldn't love you if you didn't love you, and I hated myself. I hated myself now more than I hated my parents.

    ReplyDelete
  5. The walk to the bus takes forever.
    That lucky drugged up guy lands a few feet away from me in a splatter of blood. So it goes.
    A woman was struck by lightning and burnt to a crisp. God was right; in the end, we can't make a difference.
    That painfully normal lady with the plants crosses over to the fountain.
    That guy with the staff stands in the middle of the basketball court, casting spells. What the fuck.
    While I wait for the bus, I contemplate writing a book when I'm not working my 9 to 5. I contemplate living a little. Whatever. All my dreams will come true.
    The bus arrives, and I get on. I'm on my way to an office or a factory or a school. Heather works, but she'd make more money if she were a boy. And if I were smarter, I wouldn't teach. But I'm not as smart as I could be.
    The bus pulls away, and nobody saw, heard from, or cared for Leeroy Jenkins again.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Ezekiel believed that Jesus must have been responsible for her death. Christains always say that Jesus taught by example, and Jesus was a Jew. Hence, the example he set was being a faithful Jew.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I keep running, towards the fresh corpse of a young woman. Her assorted limbs are twisted in an angelic spiral, and her face holds a small, knowing smile. I lean down and hug this innocent godsend, pouring my happiness into her wandering soul.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Exhausted, Hans sank to the ground and fell asleep. He awoke that evening, sore and sad. He opened his eyes to a woman standing on the ledge. As he watched, she dropped to the ground, sobbing. Part of Hans told him to help her. But deep down he couldn't. Grief was something to be dealt with alone. The woman stood up again. It was raining now. Dirt dripped off Hans in waterfalls. The woman stood like a statue. When the lightening struck her, it did not seem like a shock. It seemed the most natural sequence of events. Hans felt joy in his heart as he saw her face. She began to fall and looked as though she had never been happier in her life. As she disappeared over the edge, Hans' eyes began to burn. His tears mixed with the rain and cleansed his grimy face. Joy inside of him began to well up and burst out of his throat in great gusts of laughter. The world spun and the ground came up to give Hans a kiss.

    ReplyDelete
  9. As I walked along, I noticed a crowd of people standing around something. What is that? Ew, a smushed body. I wonder if that's what I woulda looked like if I'd stopped running back there and let everything explode out of me. I involuntarily shivered.
    Entering my room with my new eyes shocked me. What had I been living in? With? I gathered everything up, and put it out on the front lawn of Watershed Heights. Tacking a sign in front, I put:
    Sorry if I stole your shit. Take it back.
    I was about to walk away, when I had an idea. I grabbed the meteorite, and walked back to the dead girl. Placing it in her mangled hands, I said, "Here's something beautiful that fell from the sky, just like you." Then I turned towards the bus station.

    ReplyDelete